The Four Horsemen

Gottman identified four communication patterns linked to higher divorce risk: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. He called them the Four Horsemen. Criticism attacks character, not behavior. Contempt is superiority with a sneer. Defensiveness is counter-attacking. Stonewalling is shutting down entirely.

Every couple uses these sometimes. The danger is when they become your default. If your go-to response to conflict involves eye-rolling, name-calling, or leaving the room, the relationship is likely taking damage slowly. The antidote is not avoiding conflict — it is fighting cleaner.