Reading Hidden Bids

Many bids are disguised. Anger often masks a bid for importance. Withdrawal masks a bid for safety. Criticism can mask a bid for change. The surface behavior says one thing — the underlying need says another.

When your partner snaps "You never plan anything," the bid underneath might be "I want to feel like you think about us." Responding to the bid instead of the attack takes discipline, but it de-escalates instantly. Ask yourself what they are really asking for.